Hurt feelings... why does no one in my family understand?

This past Monday marked the 10th anniversary of my Grandfather's passing.  Definitely hard to believe that much time has gone by.  I've never been told of my Grandfather's military service, however, because my Father was his first born he received my Grandfather's flag.  It has sat in my Father's closet for all of these years...until today.  As you can tell from the title of this post I have hurt feelings over this.  Let me explain, you may not understand where I come from on this or you may understand.  Either way this is my way of letting out the hurt since it seems this is not that big of a deal to my immediate family.

Today I went shopping with my Mother and while we were out she offhandedly mentions that my Father is passing down my Grandfather's flag to the newest member of the family (my Father's great-nephew).  I didn't understand this.  I started trying to process this in my brain as to why this baby would receive this flag.  I had two long hours of contemplation before we arrived home and I could ask my Father about the reason for the flag being given to someone outside of our immediate family.  I guess over the last ten years I just assumed since it was given to my Father at some point it would be passed down to either myself, my sister or my brother (I'm the oldest, then my sister and my brother is the youngest).

I approached my Father and questioned him as to how this came about and why his great-nephew is receiving Grandpa's flag.  He decided to go into this detailed explanation about how he will be carrying on the family name.  Since I am a woman, I will marry and change my name so I can't have it.  My brother hasn't had any children so it can't go to him.  My sister does have children, and in fact her son was the first great-grandson, however his last name is that of his father's so he can't have it.  This upset me terribly, so much so that I basically told him OK and left the room.  He asked me to come back and then proceeded to ask me if I was upset by this.  I told him yes, I absolutely am upset by it because I didn't feel it was right.  I said that I didn't feel it should leave our family or be given to another family member because of his explanation and even though he feels it is his right to pass along this way that I, as my Grandfather's first grandchild, am upset it was never discussed as to who eventually would get the flag or that my Father even had any desire to pass it on already.  I explained I felt upset by this also because my Uncle's children and their family members seem to have more sentimental things from my grandparents than any of the rest of the other grandchildren do.

This of course turns into him telling me there are things that are being left to me and my siblings in my parents will from my grandparents.  But they are in the safe deposit box and we will not receive them until my parents passing.  He wasn't even going to tell me exactly what these things were at first.  Later, after I had left his computer room he came to find me and explained to me what it was he was leaving to me.  I had no idea this article even existed as I had never heard mention of it before.  The only problem is that it isn't actually something of my Grandfather's or my Grandmother's.  So I don't know how he felt telling me what it is would make me feel better.

I felt so dismissed by my Father when he told me that I was not allowed to have it for the sole reason of not carrying on the family name. Talk about feeling absolutely insignificant amongst a family. When I mentioned it to my sister her attitude was "so what?". I'm sure this wasn't discussed with my brother but I don't even know that he'd care about the flag. As I mentioned all of this to a friend today, she asked me "Do you wonder if you're actually related to those people?". My response was "ALL THE FREAKING TIME".

And why am I so attached to a burial flag?  I can't even begin to tell you.  My Father and his Father didn't get along well which made for obvious tension whenever they were near each other.  They were exactly alike in many ways, right down to the attitude some days.  And when your parents have tension or not a close relationship with their parents, it does get passed down to the grandchildren.  Now I may not have had as close of a relationship with my grandparents as some of the other grandchildren in the family, but nonetheless they were my grandparents and I will always love them.  Of course I don't need sentimental items to know my grandparents loved me.  But they are no longer in this world with me and this being the 10th anniversary of both their passing (Gram's will be on 12/12), I am once again left with a sad heart around the holidays.

2 weeks have come and gone

I had a feeling this would be the way it would play out. No word from the interview I had so I will assume no job.

I didn't apply for any jobs last week. Just needed a little bit of a break. Even though I was looking through emailed job searches I was receiving I wasn't seeing anything jumping out and begging me to apply for it.

I'm thinking of starting to apply out of state this week and see if anyone wants to take a chance on hiring someone who'd need to move. This week may prove challenging as its election week and who knows what's going to happen.

Interview went well, now the wait begins

So I went to the interview on Wednesday and was interviewed by 2 sets of managers. I figure this was a good thing thinking if the first part of the interviews weren't going well I wouldn't have made it to the second one. This is the way my brain analyzes things.

There is one thing I have to ask though... when will potential employers stop asking people "where do you see yourself in 3-5 years"? I mean is that really a make it or break it question? How do you really answer that?

And now I have to wait up to two weeks for an answer if I have been hired or not. I was told there were more people being interviewed and a decision wasn't being made right away. Sometimes that's a blow off. I get it, no hard feelings. But we will see. If I don't get hired I will continue looking as I am now. If anything this interview helped prepare me for the next one.

And the interview is back on!

What a difference two weeks make!  So the postponed interview is now rescheduled for Thursday at 10am.  Hot damn!  Hoping this goes well because it is close to home and I am desperate to get back into gainful employment.

Yesterday I was in drab mode.  Feeling pitiful because it's been 14 weeks that I've been unemployed.  That's roughly 3 months.  I feel like my entire life has been on hold.  It kind of has been.  The waiting is the hardest part (yes it is, Tom Petty).  This is the life of the unemployed.  Waiting for calls, waiting for replies, waiting...waiting...waiting.    It can be repetitive.  You learn to take rejection in a way and let go of thinking the replies will come.  Granted, this has only been 3 months.  The last time I was unemployed, I was out of work for 4 months.  Technically 2 because I was doing consulting work for two of those months while getting to look for a job and take short trips here and there.  I can't imagine being unemployed a year or more.  My dad has been unemployed for nearly three and a half years now.  He has tried looking for work, and has once or twice found short term work.  But as a union employee who was once making big money, he isn't willing to take anything under what he was making.  I kind of understand that.  But there is a point where you have to decide if making no money is better than some money.  Our difference is he's in his 50's and I'm early 30's.  I still have close to 40 years or more to work (Ohhhh....Myyyy... even just typing that makes my palms sweaty).  I may have to work 2-3 jobs just to make near what I was making to pay off debt and possibly get back to money I was making at the time I was let go.

But now I need to switch my mind over into interview gear.  Put on a positive face.  Dust off the office attire and make the best impression I can.  And if I don't get the position, then I go right back to applying for more jobs.  Lather, rinse, repeat?  Yeah, something like that.

So I ALMOST had an interview...

Yes, I said almost.  I received a call on Friday after emailing my resume the day before.  The HR supervisor called me to let me know the position I was applying for had practically been decided on however my resume stood out to her (that was good to hear seeing that I haven't had many calls and have revamped my stinking resume at least 20 times since July).  So she had me in mind to interview for a customer service position instead and the great part was that it was close to home and within the hourly pay I was looking for.  I explained to her I know I'm not going back into the working world at the pay I was last making, I have done my best to understand this and know that if I want to get back to work there are just some battles I will have to deal with and this is one of them. We set the interview for Wednesday and she explained she would email me the info where I needed to go and who I was interviewing with and that she wanted to be there.

I waited for the email and kept checking for it.  And checking for it.  And checking for it.  Friday came and went without the email.  I even checked my junk mail, nothing.  Saturday and Sunday came and went without the email also.  I waited until noon on Monday and decided to email her and make sure I did get the email.  Four hours later she replied to me that she did send it, but needed to check what address it went to because she sent a confirmation as well.  Then mentioned the hiring manager had something come up so they needed to postpone interviews until next week.  I replied to her and said I would be ok with rescheduling.  No reply back from her.

So as of now, still no job and no interviews lined up.  I was a bit excited to get this interview because I thought the phone call went well.  Then I started getting all kinds of doubts going through my head.  Doubts of them calling my former employer even though I didn't supply any info on them and that I was given a bad reference.  It's hard to get past that.  I feel like no matter how far forward I try to get, something like this happens to make me feel that former employer has had a hand in stopping that forward progression.  How crazy does that make me?  I know, I need to get myself out of this mindset.  This is hard to do when they have managed to mess with my head.  But one day I will get there.

On the Cinderella end of life....

It's so frustrating to be home all day, every day.  Why, do you ask?  Let me explain.  Now you may wonder if I'm worried about saying this out loud for fear that the other people in the house will know I've said anything.  Well, I don't care.  I'm not quite sure they listen to me anyways.  For the last several weeks I have been the main one cleaning and cooking, which helps pass the time...sometimes.  But when it's an unspoken expectation that I keep up the house while 3 other adults sit around and don't help out, that's where the frustration comes in.  If I had a dishwasher I might not get so livid.  However, every day I wash at least 3-4 sinkfuls of dishes.  SERIOUSLY?  And then when someone finishes using a dish (or several cups) they just place them in the sink AND WALK AWAY.  Are you kidding?

And cooking dinner, let's go there.  In fact, ask me how many times I get emails or texts from my mom asking what I am doing for dinner.  As if the only thing I do all day long is clean and plan meals so everyone else is taken care of.  Don't get me wrong, I do it because I help out and right now I'm not even anywhere near being able to give my parents money for rent (who the hell can live on $8 an hour when you have bills to pay???)...but... there are 3 other adults in the house.  Two who act like they can't lift a finger to help.  Ok, one of those pretends to lift a finger and then I end up re-washing dishes because he can't figure out what a clean dish actually is.  And another person feels I should be the one taking care of it all because they work.  Anyone understand why I can't wait until I can move back out for good?  Or away for good?  I'm not ungrateful, just wish everyone would pitch in and act like the adult they are and realize it takes everyone's help to be part of a family not give a half-assed performance.  Cinderella just wants a day to herself if you haven't noticed.

The job search continues, and the photography bug is setting in

What the biggest bummer about being unemployed?  Applying for multiple jobs, even going to a temp agency and getting set up with them...only to still be sitting at home after eleven and a half weeks and have roughly 2 job interviews in that amount of time.  De. Press. Ing.  I'm feeling a little blah this week, mainly due to my sinuses/allergies so I'm sure that's factoring into the bummed out feeling.  Yet every few days I go back and apply for more jobs.  Even part time positions just to be able to get myself back into the work world.

A week has gone by since I received the letter from the judge.  I was excited when I got it, I even want to frame the darn letter just to prove to them that what they did wasn't justified.  But the excitement has waned, possibly because all the stress from dealing with that is now over.  Hopefully for good, if they are able to appeal it again I think I may need to be admitted to the funny farm.

Last night I was looking through random blogs and came across one with some photos.  Which got me to thinking...I have free time so why not take some photos.  See, you need motivation for stuff like that in my case.  Last year around this time I took my nieces and nephew to Kankakee State Park to take pictures of them as Christmas gifts for family.  They turned out really well.  And now with fall approaching, it makes me want to get out and get some pictures of the changing season and capture the colors.  While my allergies may not love the difference in weather (burning leaves you make my nasal passages freak out!), the creative side of me likes to get out and see the changes.  However I may need to wait a little for that as I'm not so sure the leaves are quite changing as much as I'd want just yet.  I would love to go back to Kankakee State Park or even here in town and walk some of the different trails through the parks and get some pictures.  I'll post a few that I took of the kids last year along with this as perhaps it will give me that motivation I need to set aside one full day of getting out and about and enjoying nature.

Will, Trisha and Danielle... this was my favorite

Danielle, Will and Trisha... I had them sit on the railing of a wooden bridge

We got closer down by the water, they were good sports about finding different locations.  Their patience lasted about an hour before they began to get crabby!

This picture I took with my Minolta SLR film camera but added the darkening on the edges since I had them also put the photos onto a CD.  You'd think he was modeling!

The letter I've been waiting for!

Arrived a half hour ago. Judge has determined I was not discharged for misconduct. I will still receive my unemployment benefits. This is a HUGE victory for me. Finally hoping this chapter of my life is closed for good. They have 30 days to appeal the ruling, but seeing this is the second time IL Dept of Employment Security has ruled against them in my favor I'm wishing they will let it go and let me have my peace.

Today was a better day for job applying...

Revamped my profile on Monster and came across several jobs I applied for. Feeling better about it this week now. There are days when applying seems to be better than others. But the interviews have not been coming which makes for frustration. I've changed my resume after looking it over with a woman I met with two weeks ago at a temporary agency. It's always good to get someone's input on something especially if it increases your chances of getting an interview because of little tweaks.

The waiting for the next full time job seems endless. But I'm not giving up. I know that I will no longer work at a company that was so ignorant to me and provided absolutely no benefit to working for them. I know there are better opportunities around the corner for me, even though at times it's hard to feel that way when I'm staring at the inside of the house day after day.

Motivation has been lackluster lately and I need to fix that. Need to get out of the house without leaving in the car. Got to find the energy to get out and walk around the neighborhood. If I weren't worried about walking the trail alone through McKinley Woods or even along the canal I'd be there every day, but those to me are not places to go alone even if it is during the day.

Highlight of my week will be tomorrow when I see Gangsta (earlier referred to as the former employee that was my witness for the phone hearing). We both need to get out of the house so we are headed to the mall for lunch at Panera and walking around. Looking forward to it!

10 weeks unemployed = frustrated

I have been unemployed for 10 weeks this week.  Never thought it was going to go this long.  Today is the first day in maybe 6 or so days I've gotten back to applying for jobs.  So far I've come across nothing I have wanted to apply for (perhaps because about 5 things I have already applied for were in that list).  I gave it a few days rest after my Unemployment Hearing this past Friday.

The hearing was because my former employer is fighting me being awarded my benefits.  After they terminate someone this is their standard procedure, however, I think I am one of the many few they have taken it this far with as to have the phone hearing with.  How the phone hearing works: an administrative law judge calls you and the former employer and gets both sides take on what caused the separation of employment.  Now prior to this, as allowed by IDES, if you qualify (or rather if it is determined you have a case) they will appoint an attorney for you.  Well after speaking with the law firm and it was determined I could be represented by an attorney, she was conferenced into the hearing as well.  I am so thankful for this because she asked questions and gave closing statements on my behalf that can possibly help me make sure I never have to pay back or stop receiving benefits.

There were so many lies on their behalf it was ridiculous.  Another former employee (who was my witness although she didn't have much to add) was able to listen to all the crap they were spouting.  All it came down to was they kept talking about these reprimanding emails I was sending to people that was outside of my scope of work, however, when asked by my attorney and by the judge if they could produce these emails or read them for us they hesitated and said they would have to find them.  When asked what they said the HR rep kept stumbling over her words.  The judge also started to question why I was terminated 3 weeks after they "demoted" me.  Which also happened to be just a day after the former employee that was my witness had been terminated.  I told the judge I felt as though it was retaliation, they fired us at the same time because someone claimed I was telling the office this employee had been fired. 

Now I wait another week or so to find out the judge's determination in my case.  It's been such a frustrating time since I was let go.  I want to get back to work, I'm not sitting at home eating copious amounts of ice cream and watching daytime talk shows.  Oh no, Cinderella has been relegated to cleaning the house constantly because everyone feels it's not part of their duties as part of the family.  And when someone else has chosen to do the dishes, I have to re-do them because there is still food on the dishes.  Talk about disgusting.  Ask me how many times I'm asked what I'M making for dinner for the family.  Yes, I'm at home, but I'm not lounging all day doing nothing.  I don't sit around planning out meals for the family, although someone feels that's my position in the family without saying it in so many words.  It adds to the frustration in more ways than I can explain. 

Blog...restart?...remake?

Yep.  I've wiped it clean (erased it's memory?...mind control?...too much Vampire Diaries I think!)....

Starting the blog over.  Need somewhere to vent other than Facebook...or to myself lately.